The User's Guide and Manual to Capt Jack Harkness
by Xrai
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase of a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit! Jack/Ianto, Jack/Anyone


**Title: **The User's Guide and Manual to Captain Jack Harkness  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Character(s)/Pairing(s): **Jack; Jack/Ianto, Jack/Anyone  
**Summary:** Congratulations on your purchase of a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit!  
**Warnings: **Crack-ish, mentions sex, briefly implied non-con  
**Disclaimer:** If I owned Torchwood, the boys would have had more screentime together, more sex, and Ianto would still be alive.  
I also don't own Shark Attack 3 (thank god).  
**A/N:** Please note that this "unit" form of fic is not my own idea.

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**THE USER'S GUIDE AND MANUAL TO**

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS**

**BADWOLF CORPORATION**  
**Scattered Through Time and Space since 200,100**

**CHIEF TECHNICAL ADMINISTRATOR: THE DOCTOR**

**-oOo-**

Congratulations on your purchase of a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit!

You are now the proud owner of a brand new, life-size CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you buy more TORCHWOOD units from us near the future. To obtain maximum enjoyment from your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit please follow the instructions we have included below.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**  
Name: Captain Jack Harkness (Note the stripes)

Type: 51st Century Human Male

Height: 6'

Weight: 169 lbs

Manufacturer: TIME AGENTS R US

**ACCESSORIES**  
Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit comes with:

One RAF greatcoat

Three pairs of blue shirts, pants, braces and boots

One pair of leather pants

One Time Agent Vortex Manipulator

Dashing good looks

One Webley (unloaded)

TORCHWOOD Character Units, THE DOCTOR Units and ROSE TYLER Units sold separately

**USES**  
Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit has been designed to be both easy and fun to use. His controls are voice activated, but it is unlikely that he will listen to you, unless you happen to be a certain Time Lord, or a higher ranking military leader. You may attempt to convey instructions through the Torchwood headsets or his Time Agent wrist strap. (Sex and IANTO JONES Unit's coffee can be used as bribes.)

Besides looking good while saving the world/getting killed/getting shagged/insert action of choice here, your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit can do many other things.

_Intergalactic "Dancer"_  
Want to expand your horizons? Interested in "dabbling"? Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is a 51st guy, he's a bit more flexible when it comes to dancing. That what you humans do anyway, by his time, seek new life and dance. He's not going to bother with your quaint little categories. Human or non-human, anything goes. Did he tell you about the time dated acrobat twins? You could help him write his book. Maybe even help illustrate it. Or practice...

_Head of Secret Alien Hunting Organisation_  
Is there a Rift through time and space in your backyard? Find yourself chased by strange alien creatures? The CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is here to save the day! Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is head of the organisation called Torchwood which deals with extraterrestrial matters. His duties involve giving opening speeches ("Outside the government, beyond the police..."), being mysterious, shagging employees, and making the hard decisions no one else can make. Coffee made by a IANTO JONES Unit keeps him going and he likes nothing better than a good, hard shag at the end of a long day. Due to his coat, his habit of flirting with other people, and Torchwood's tendency to take over crime scenes, he may be seen as an arrogant, narcissistic bastard. Yep, the stories are true. And he's always dressy at a murder investigation. Would you rather he be naked?

_Immortal_  
Need a bodyguard? Someone who'll die for you but still be around in a more corporeal way? The CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is the right man for the job. Something happened to him which he can't explain. He can't die. Or rather, he dies, but it doesn't stick. Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is just hanging around waiting for the right kind of doctor. So don't be disappointed if he leaves without a word. THE DOCTOR Unit will be unable to fix him though. He's wrong, you see. And what's there to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection.

_Con Man_  
In need of a quick buck? Want revenge on your previous employer? Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit runs great cons, though it's actually not for the money. He used to be a Time Agent, but now he's trying to con them because they stole two years of his memory and now he wants them back. Be careful though. Don't trust him. You have no idea what he may have done during those two years.

**CLEANING AND MAINTENANCE**  
We advise you to clean your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit frequently. While your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit may not be very fussy about a bit of dirt, if you happen to have an IANTO JONES Unit, said Unit may serve your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit decaf and deny him sex until he takes a shower, which will result in grouchiness and mood swings.

Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit can be washed with any character Units. BadWolf Corporation will not be responsible for your exorbitant water bills or any damage done to bathroom/shower implements. Please note that if you happen to have an IANTO JONES Unit, your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit should be washed together with only that Unit unless you wish for your IANTO JONES Unit to become jealous and dump your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit, serve him decaf or deny him sex which will result in your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit becoming grouchy and moody.

It is important for you to allow your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit to stand on the roofs of tall buildings so that he can brood/look cool. This is very important for his mental health/reputation as the tormented hero. His man-pain is necessary to drive the plot. You do not have to worry for his safety since is immortal and good on roofs.

Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit also requires at least four cups of industrial strength coffee a day (must be prepared by an IANTO JONES Unit; if you don't have one yet, get one now) and regular sex (anything will do, but we highly recommend an IANTO JONES Unit for this) to keep him happy.

While your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit may be immortal, killing him/allowing him to be killed may result in temporary program failure as he reboots. It will also make the other TORCHWOOD Character Units very upset especially the IANTO JONES Unit. We recommend you keep him away from DALEK Units, ABADDON Units, GRAY Units and HAROLD SAXON/THE MASTER Units.

It is important to keep your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit properly hydrated at all times.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**  
**Q: **How do I stop my CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit from groping and flirting with me while I'm at work?  
**A:** There's nothing you can do about that. You may call him out on his harassment, but we suggest you just suck it up and enjoy the attention.

**Q: **Why is my CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit constantly being so mysterious with me?  
**A:** After his many years of existence, he has to maintain an aura of mystery, because not only is that a requirement for his role as the dark and tormented hero, it also keeps people at arms length. It won't do get attached when you've got to be ready to leave at a moments notice.

**Q:** What do I do when my CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit dies?  
**A: **There's really not much you can do but wait. We do suggest that you move him to safe area and in a comfortable position, possibly in a familiar location or with a familiar person in order to make his return to life a less harrowing experience for all involved, your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit included.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**  
**Problem: **My CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit keeps flirting with everyone/everything else even though he's supposed to be with me!  
**Solution:** Relax, he's just a 51st century guy, he's a bit more flexible when it comes to "dancing". That's what humans do once you've got out there; seek new life and "dance".

**Problem: **My CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit has disappeared!  
**Solution:** Did you betray him, shoot him and open a highly unstable rift in time and space? If you did, no wonder! He has gone after THE DOCTOR Unit (tenth edition), the one he has been waiting for for a hundred years, because he needs answers to his immortality. Don't worry, he'll come back for you. All of you.

**Problem:** My CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit has turned straight, become a researcher, and is now investigating shark attacks in Mexico, all the while spouting lines that sound like they come from a really bad movie. What the fuck has happened?  
**Solution: **Our sincere apologies. You may have accidentally received a BEN CARPENTER Unit from our SHARK ATTACK line of units. If you do not wish to keep this unit, please fill out the return form included in the manual. In the chance that you do wish to keep your BEN CARPENTER Unit, do make sure to keep him away from sharks. When he's wired, he likes to take you home and eat your pussy/suck your cock.

**Problem:** My CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit has been complaining of nausea and swollen ankles. He has also put on weight.  
**Solution:** Congratulations! Your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit is pregnant! Who's the other lucky parent? If you've decided to keep the baby, your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit will carry it for nine months, then you must get a properly qualified physician to deliver the baby via Caesarian Section. We highly recommend you get a OWEN HARPER Unit for this, unless you happen to be living in the 51st Century.  
Depending on how your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit got pregnant, there are various situations you will have to deal with.  
a) You're the other parent (even though you're female): Well, this is Torchwood, shit like this is bound to happen sooner or later.  
b) You're the other father: You really should have used protection. That oestrogen in rain doesn't always work.  
c) Your IANTO JONES Unit is the father: We suggest you get ready to provide a lot of emotional support to both of the parent units. If you do not excel in that area, we suggest that you get a MARTHA JONES Unit, a TOSHIKO SATO Unit or a GWEN COOPER Unit to do so. Also be prepared to deal with arguments, panic attacks, and misunderstandings.  
d) Someone else is the second parent: If your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit has become pregnant after returning from his disappearance with THE DOCTOR Unit, we highly recommend giving your THE DOCTOR Unit a call and investing in a good counsellor. If the other parent is anyone else, it's up to you, your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit and that other parent to sort out custodial rights a stuff.  
e) If you really do not want to deal with all this baby stuff, set your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit to the Oestrogen-In-The-Rain override.

**FINAL NOTE**  
BadWolf Corporation is not liable for any scandals that occur as a result of your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit sleeping around, end of the universe trips and unexpected male pregnancies. We hope you enjoy using your CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS Unit and have fun dancing!


End file.
